Heterosexualia
by dreams.of.destiny
Summary: Crackfic. In which the female nations try to put the OW in yaoi and the male nations try to put the HET in Hetalia. Naturally, massive cast list and even larger pairing list ensues. Sort of.
1. Vash does not approve

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**HETEROSEXUALIA**

_putting the "het" in hetalia_

(sorta)

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theblahblahbeginning: this is a loosely-scrapped-together mash of chapters written by dreamsofdestiny, who is amazed no one thought of it beforehand because, well, it's _hetalia_. But for once, she can say that she actually likes her title. Yay! As usual, I've _no freakin' idea_ where this story is going, just for the record. But I'll introduce more (namely male, as I've pretty much used up all the girl!characters) characters next time around, hopefully you're not totally disturbed yet?

And for those old readers/reviewers, hope you stay on and stay in for the whole of this crazy ride~!

possiblepairings: I had a huge list, and then figured: screw it all, because _everything_ goes in this story-het, yaoi, and maybe even some yuri, though you'll probably have to stand on your head to see any romance.

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Vash does not approve

"Order, order!" Hungary called, pounding the gavel at her head seat of the first meeting of the International Coalition of Female Nations for Improved Living Conditions, "I call for everyone to be seated at our premier meeting of ICFNILC!"

"Hear, hear!" Belgium echoed, having finished passing about her chocolate-drizzled (strawberry-topped) waffles.

"Why did you pick such a weird acronym for this group anyways?" Vietnam questioned.

"And how do you even pronounce it?" Taiwan echoed, "ick-fi-nilk? if-nilk? icee-finilk?"

"I like the last one!" Luxembourg remarked.

"M-maybe it's just supposed to be spelled out?" Liechtenstein wondered aloud.

"I-C-FNILK it is," Hungary officiated.

"Wait what? I can't even pronounce that, and I'm the one that made it up!" Taiwan argued.

"Don't worry!" Hungary said with a winsome smile, "I can't pronounce that either!"

"This is really delicious!" Seychelles interrupted as she managed to muffle through her large gulps of the savory treat.

"Seychelles has declared Belgium's waffles to be delicious-are we all in agreement?"

"Aye," the members of the coalition agreed. Well, the ones that did not have their mouths full with the approved-delicious waffles.

"Is there an actual purpose to this meeting?" Belarus, of course, "I have a busy schedule and according to my BrotherTracker2010," and here, she whipped out the Palm Pilot-sized device, "Dearest Elder Brother will be leaving his G8 meeting in a matter of minutes."

A shiver passed through the group, and only Hungary seemed unfazed.

"Of course we'll get to more pressing issues that delicious waffles," a pause to stab another morsel into her mouth, "Why don't you open the floor for the choice of discussion, Natalya?"

A flash blue eyes, and only Ukraine's soothing voice and smile and Russia-approved vicegrip stopped a crisis from happening in the first five minutes of the meeting.

"As I was saying," Belarus continued as soon as everyone else found their heartbeats, "I would like to begin our first discussion on the nations that are not in this meeting, and what to do-"

"Oh my God, I _totally_ agree!" Luxembourg interjected, "I mean, look at them, at their G8 Meeting, and notice how there just aren't any female nations in the meeting!"

"Yeah!" Taiwan agreed, "They have all these alliances and secret societies inside cool buildings, and we're stuck in this dump!" she gestured to their state-of-the-art meeting room in Geneva Switzerland, courtesy of Liechtenstein's 'softie' of a big brother, "I mean, we don't even have nukes, only rocket-propelled grenades, antiballistics and inter-continental ballistic missiles!"

"But what I-" Belarus started, only to be cut off by Seychelles.

"Do you guys think they're all... you know?" Awkward hand gestures and a slight flush ensued.

Silence, again, only for about a quarter of a millisecond.

"Y-y-you don't mean... h-h-homosexual, do you?" Taiwan, of course, blushing for other reasons.

"That makes so much sense," Vietnam remarked.

"That is totally ridiculous!" Belgium said at the same time.

"I-I-I... I hope that's not what Vash does...!" Liechtenstein buried her face in her hands at the thought.

"There is no one who would dare approach Dearest Brother without my approval," Belarus, brandishing a terrifyingly sharp knife (with bloodstains, Belgium couldn't help but notice).

"But that would be like so cute, I mean, Japan just lent me some doujinshi for USUK last week!" Hungary gushed, changing the discussion into a whole new issue.

"USUK?" Vietnam noted with a raise of her eyebrow, "But Alfred is _such_ the wimp at times!"

"You can't have the uke without the UK!" Taiwan declared gleefully.

"But I think Arthur deserves to top once in a while..." Seychelles sighed, "I mean, he is Great Britain!"

"But who'd he-" Hungary started, before a barrage of suggestions started.

"France!" Luxembourg put forth.

"China!" Taiwan threw out.

"America!" Vietnam, of course.

"Japan!" Seychelles suggested.

"Russia!"

Silence.

"_Russia_?" Belarus whipped her head to see who would taste the sleek metal of her sword, er, knife, only to see a perfectly-at-ease... Ukraine.

"What?" Ukraine laughed nervously at the sudden attention of the other eight nations, "I mean, Ivan was very adorable when he was little!" And here, she went into a rather private childhood story, recounting the time where she accidentally-purposely scared General Winter out of her younger brother's house by _lighting the whole thing on fire_, that left all of her fellow nations (including Belarus and Hungary) in shivers.

"W-Well," Belgium attempted, trying to scavenge a decent meeting from the mental wreckage of Ukraine's 'happy narrative' (her words, not Belgium's), "Moving on, what was your original reason for starting the discussion on the male nations, Natal-Belarus?"

"I wish to make clear at this meeting that pairing my Dearest Brother with anyone but me... and... England..." Belarus looked away from her older sister's Russia-approved smile, "will face the sharper edge of my knife." And for demonstration, she cleanly chops the thicker edge of the cherrywood table off in one smooth motion.

"Ah, um, that's Vash's table...!" Liechtenstein mumbles out, already calculating the expenses of repairing such a table in record time.

"Oh, no worries," Seychelles soothed, "I'm really good with wood-I'll fix it right after we're done!"

"Natalya, that's not very nice," Only Ukraine would dare say.

"Sorry..." Belarus muttered, not even looking at Liechtenstein. The micronation wilted, just a little.

"Well, seeing as how Russia's out of the pairing game," Hungary valiantly fought to continue the severely-bootlegged meeting, "then what about the other male nations?"

"Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God-I just thought up the greatest plan-and form of revenge-_ever_!" Luxembourg joyously exclaimed, clasping her hands together and taking forth the look of the classic fangirl, only with a Russia-approved smile that made even Ukraine a bit jealous.

"Well, what it is it?" Belgium asked, leaning forward with an almost-identical sparkle.

"Yes, tell, tell!" Vietnam added, without hesitation.

"We should forcibly pair all the male nations together!" Luxembourg disclosed.

"Vash is not going to approve..." Liechtenstein noted dryly.

"That is the best idea ever~!" Hungary squealed, happy that her GerIta and Antovino fanfictions could _finally_ be put to a good use.

"I'd love to see KikuxYao!" Taiwan gushed.

"Alfred being on the bottom has its quirks," Vietnam admitted.

"Oh my!" Ukraine declared, clapping a palm to her now-rosy cheek, "England could actually be on top with little brother~"

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"Okay, I have had enough of this!" Alfred declared, "Which is why I decided to start up yet another international organization, except this one is called the Awesome Troop of Awesome Heroes Who Do Awesome Things And Are Not-Not Awesome!"

"Wow," England interjected, "That is possibly the worst name I have heard since "The Allies".

"Not it's not! It's an awesome name!" Prussia, who _totally_ did not have any part in naming the latest international organization, retorted.

"Awesome only if you drink that hideous substance you call beer," France grumbled, looking sourly at his foaming beverage in the American bar.

"Hey! Don't insult beer!" Germany started, about to give yet another one of his passionate rants on how beer was the best beverage of them all, and safe and recommended for people from 2 months to two hundred years, only to be interrupted by Lovino.

"Shut up, potato-bastard, you're sitting too damned close to my little brother!"

"Anyways," America continued, "The point of this organization is to dispel all those rumors that are floating around, that, you know, we're gay and all."

"But I thought that this organization was so that we could pick up really cute girls ve~!" Feliciano complained, earning a light 'smack' from his elder brother and a facepalm from Ludwig.

"Right, it's just like Italy-

"North!" South Italy added.

"Right. It's just like _North_ Italy said: we're going to dispel all of these rumors about us being gay by, you know, _not_ being gay."

"Perhaps those rumors don't actually surround all of us and just you?" England hypothesized, "I mean, some of us have actually, ah, engaged in conversation and perhaps even gentlemanly manners with, ah, female nations."

"Silly _rosbif_, ignoring them in the Geneva Conference really doesn't count as 'interaction', _n'est-ce pas_?" France sneered, much to England's eternal displeasure.

"We need a really awesome slogan, for this really awesome organization!" Prussia declared.

"How about putting the "A" in Awesome?" America, of course.

"How about putting the Not-Gay in Awesome?" Prussia snarked.

"But what about the people who _are_ gay, da?" Russia said with his trade-marked smile, "I mean, those who are already... out... cannot possibly come back in."

"What are you talking about?" England grumbled, "Speak some damned sense..."

"He is saying, _rosbif_," France interrupted, smiling suavely at the bristling Brit, "that those who has escaped from the armoire cannot possibly be 'normal' again."

"Escaped the armoire?" Alfred laughed, nervously, "Is that some cool new phrase for coming out of the closet?"

"Ah _oui_, pardon my french," France says with a too-lascivious wink.

"But it's not like anyone, is, you know," Cue awkward gesturing from America, "You know... actually in love with any other nation, right?"

Silence, from the male nations this time. And then all eyes cued to look at one very much bewildered nation.

"Wh-what, aru? Why are you all looking at me?" China flustered, unable to properly dispel the 'looks' his fellow (bastards, aru!) nations were dealing towards him.

"I wasn't looking at you!" Canada trembled, but was ultimately ignored.

"Well, you're just seriously feminine at times, Yao, no offence or anything," Arthur put forth, ready to list the times the other squealed and hung on tightly to his deformed horror of a cat stuffed animal if the need for evidence arose.

"Hmph!" A pout that really did not help his cause, "I refuse to dignify that with a response, aru!"

"Besides China-_san_," Japan began, skillfully leading the conversation away and astray, "What about other nations? In my country, doujinshi sa-I mean, I have..." and he paused here, thinking for the rightfully innocent word, "heard... that the production and redistribution of yaoi things have increased nearly tenfold with this coming year, simply because of such 'rumors', as America-_san_ has said."

"So it's only logical to assume that someone else must be perpetuating such beliefs, correct?" Germany concluded.

"I like girls, I really do, ve~ I just like Ludwig better, ve~!" Italy (the north one, _of course_) chose to pipe up at this moment. Lovino opened his canister of tomatoes, ready to pitch a couple dozen at the German, except he was already looking exceptionally red without the would-have been-coming bombardment.

"What do you propose we do, in order to, say, _dispel_ such false thoughts?" Another lengthy gap of silence, but it wasn't so much because of Russia's smile as it was because of the emphasis on the word 'dispel'.

"Well, being the hero that I am, I thought that we could all save our reputations by getting girlfriends!" Alfred pronounced.

"A girlfriend...?" A flushed Canada refused to believe-who would notice him, much less date him? But he was ignored.

"Y-Y-You mean... like the prelude to a _courtship_?" Arthur, naturally, was downright-scandalized.

"_Non, non, non_; he means _l'amour_-the love, you know?" Cue fluttering of french eyelashes and one very green English.

"_Amore, Amore_, I love you, my pasta~! Please let me twirl you around my fork and then eat because I love you, my _Amore_, so much, ve~" Feliciano sang, all the while directing his melody towards Ludwig.

"A girlfriend?" Prussia thoughtfully stroked his chin, "She would have to be as equally awesome as me, and everyone knows no one is as awesome as I am!"

"Only because Hungary will punch you into next week if you so much as look the wrong way at her," Lovino muttered. Gilbert did the mature thing for once and pretended he did not hear.

"This is a stupid-plan!" China exclaimed, "I mean, if you can do basic math, you'll see that there are less girls than boys, aru!"

"What?" Russia said with a _grin_, "Is Yao-Yao scared of _cooties_?"

"N-No!" The stumble was purposeful, China will defend that to his dying day, "It's just the math of this doesn't make sense!"

"Just the math?" Raged England, "This whole plan is going down to hell!"

"Oh you guys, I have to go catch a Taylor Swift concert at five, so I'll conclude the first meeting of ATAHWDTAANNA! You guys should all look for possible nations that are female that you would like to have as your girlfriend next meeting, so that, you know, we're not stuck in the amwak, like France said!" And with such a touching farewell, Alfred left with a wave... and half of the meeting room's supply of food.

"...He's seriously the ponciest one of us all..." England muttered, and for once, no one bothered to refute that.

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	2. Natalya takes the initiative

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**HETEROSEXUALIA**

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notations: Sorry for the five month delay; I'll be updating _way more_ now. On a side note, I had nations use nation-names (ie: America), if they do not know said nation very well, and had them use people-names (ie: Alfred) if they _did_ know said nation well.

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Natalya takes the initiative

Unlike the first meeting of ICFNILC, only hushed murmurings and timid whispers could be heard throughout the beginning minutes of the second meeting. After all, the first meeting had been held a mere two days prior (as opposed to _five months ago_), and nothing so tragically catastrophic could have happened in those short days, right?

"It has been fourty-eight hours since the start of the premier meeting of ICFNILC," Hungary stated, lightly tapping the gavel, "And in that time period, it has come to my attention that the male nations have also started up an organization with similar purposes to our's!"

"What do you mean?" Taiwan piped up, unable to believe that their counterparts could actually assemble in a room, much less organize.

"I mean," Hungary continued, "That they too, wish to improve their living conditions! My sources," and here, she coughed something that sounded suspiciously like 'threatening to cook Gilbird', "Have told me that the name of their organization is the Awesome Troop of Awesome Heroes Who Do Awesome Things And Are Not-Not Awesome."

A necessary second of silence passed-and then,

"_That_ is a pretty lame name," Belgium felt the need to put out. Liechtenstein hid a snicker behind her hand, and Ukraine simply laughed outright.

"Naturally," Hungary cleared her throat, "ICFNILC will easily beat their organization however, Luxembourg has put in that-"

"The guy nations are onto our plan!" Luxembourg kindly interrupted.

"What do you mean onto our plan?" Taiwan demanded.

"And what do you mean by 'our' plan?" Belarus pressured.

"Well, the thing is," Luxembourg elaborated, "haven't you noticed the guy nations-"

"_Please_ do not lump by dearest elder brother in with the rest of those 'guy' nations," Belarus, of course.

"Let's just not call them guy nations period!" Vietnam suggested, "I mean, it not only sounds awkward, but I'm certain that they don't call us 'girl nations', right?"

"Alfred definitely does!" Taiwan shot back.

"Alfred is an oversized hamburger," Ukraine calmly stated, passing out the second meeting's main snack: home-made borscht.

"Can we please get back to the topic?" Belgium called out, wincing as a bit of the broth splashed onto the edge of the table. Liechtenstein winced; Vash was angry enough at the unexplainable cut in the table the last time around (courtesy of Belarus, but of course). Seychelles rolled her eyes, getting out the wood-polishing kit that she had taken to carrying around.

"I agree," Hungary said, "But Katya, this borscht is to _die for_; what did you use to make it so thick and... rich?"

"A secret ingredient~" Ukraine replied, continuing with "And yes, it is to die for," And then she flashed Hungary yet another Russia-approved smile.

"Getting back on topic," Luxembourg grimaced, cheerily ignoring the now-questionable refreshments, "The male nations have been assembling, and not just the G8 nations, and they've also been, well, you know," she made an awkward hand motion, which no one quite understood.

"What do you mean?" Seychelles questioned.

"I mean..." another awkward hand motion, "They've been, well, talking... to me."

"So?" Hungary felt the need to ask, "It's not that crazy; I talk to Roderich and Gilbert all the time, although-"

"Well, no-I mean-"

"I definitely understand!" Vietnam affirmed, "I mean, I speak with Yao and Kiku and Im-Yong Soo often enough, but the day before, both Alfred _and_ Ivan approached me!" She shuddered, remembering their less-than-cordial relations, "We haven't spoken to one another since the Cold War, and yet-just so suddenly?" Vietnam furrowed her eyebrows in thought, "It just doesn't make sense."

"Dearest brother went calling for _you_?" One could nearly see the laser beams emitting from Belarus' eyes.

"It wasn't for any romantic reason!" Vietnam desperately backtracked.

Belarus grudgingly put back her knife; Liechtenstein was just thankful that the table was safe for another for few seconds.

"Speaking of which!" Seychelles interjected, having finished cleaning and polishing the spot of the meeting table that had been burned by Ukraine's borscht, "France and England both dropped by, just to 'say hello' they said, but they didn't even ask for anything!" she sighed, "I was too busy being relieved that they weren't asking for more exports, I didn't even ask myself why!"

"Vash didn't allow me to speak to either Germany or Italy," Liechtenstein murmured, "I thought that Germany was coming to call about my banks though."

"All the same," Taiwan contended, "What do all these interactions mean? It's not that odd for them to be talking to us, right?" She laughed, "I know I talk to Yao-_ge_ and Kiku-_nii_ on practically an everyday basis!"

"But those are _normal_ conversations," Belgium argued, "I mean, France was just knocking on my door the day before, asking about the color of roses and eyes and skies and the like," she rolled her eyes, "We don't really talk that often, so it was pretty unnerving."

"Hmm," Hungary intoned, lacing her fingers in thought, "This is definitely a strange development. I can't think of any reason for the male nations to be doing this." And then she shrugged, "But not that any of it matters, really, I mean, we've forgotten our main plan of action throughout the whole of this meeting!"

"Oh yeah!" Ukraine agreed, "I can't believe I forgot about forcing Ivan with Arthur!"

More shudders were felt.

"Yeah, about that..." Vietnam tried, "It's not _just_ Ivan with Arthur, there are other possible combinations of nations after all," and then she thought for one of her personal favorites, continuing brightly with, "I mean, there's Arthur with Alfred, after all!"

"You don't actually mean that Great Britain would _top_, do you?" Taiwan interjected, all too familiar with the terminology, much to Liechtenstein's horror, "As I've said time and again, Arthur is not only more tsundere-esque than Alfred, but he's also short-"

"Height doesn't matter!" Elizaveta declared with a flush, "After all, one of _your_ favorite pairings has Japan over China, even though Japan is clearly shorter!"

"Well, that's true," Taiwan fumbled, "But that doesn't mean-"

"I would actually prefer England to top France," Luxembourg confessed.

"I agree!" Seychells put in, "The two of them are always arguing, after all-it's definitely _love_!"

"If that's your logic, we might as well put Turkey and Greece together too," Vietnam declared with a roll of her eyes.

"Great idea, Vietnam!" Hungary exuberated, sparkles floating around.

"Wait! What are you talking about?" Belgium pouted, "I though Greece looked _adorable_ with Russia!"

"Russia _belongs_ to-" Belarus started.

"England!" Ukraine cheerily put out.

"Must we always end on such a terrifying note?" Liechtenstein finally spoke out. "I-I mean, don't you think we should ask for their opinions before we continue with these sort of plans?"

"What about you, Liechtenstein?" Seychelles asked curiously, "You haven't said _any_ of your preferences!" And then she paused, pondering aloud, "You couldn't possibly be fantasizing about Switzerland on the bottom, right?"

"Nononono!" Liechtenstein flushed, placing hands over reddened cheeks, "I-I couldn't possibly think that-"

"Then what do you like?" Belarus questioned. Menacingly.

"Yes, yes, do tell-there's absolutely no secrets in ICFNILC, after all~" Hungary, of course.

"Well..." Liechtenstein wondered why, in the face of anti-ballistic missiles and heat-sensing laser robots, did they not install a self-destruct button in the conference room of Geneva, "I-I sometimes like to read... South Italy o-over Germany."

Another beat of silence, and then uproarious applause.

"Welcome to the club!" Taiwan extolled, winking and whispering, "And you're right; they look pretty _hot_ together...!"

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"Okay extremely awesome heroes!" America declared, loudly, as per personality, "I'm hoping that you guys all managed to do the assignment that was given to you last time, because today, we're going to plan how to further said assignment!"

"What was the assignment again?" Italy (South!) irritatedly asked.

"To meet a female nation that we'd like to, well, get to know better," England moodishly said, using only the most maladroit words possible to describe said situation.

"...Right!" America agreed, "And so, I was wondering if we'd like to nicely go around in a circle and just say who we'd like as a potential girlfriend!" And then he grinned, "I'll start, because I am the awesomest hero of us all-"

"Stop stealing Prussia's lines, you fop!" England, of course, needed to cut in. In response, America very maturely stuck out his tongue, and proceeded forward with his debriefing.

"Anyways, like I was saying," Alfred rolled his eyes, and Arthur tried to tell himself that the larger nation was not, indeed, actually fluttering them, "I was as productive as a hero could possibly be! So I have ranked the female nations in terms of one to nine, with number one being my first choice!" And with a flourish, he proudly displayed his list.

"...Why is it written on a McDonald's napkin, aru?" China felt the need to ask.

"Because that's the only place _cher_ Alfred would have the time to think about the fairer sex!" America winced at France's answer; it was a little too close to the mark.

"We don't actually care about the order, da?" Russia commented, "All we need to know is who is your first choice for a female companion."

"I was getting to that!" America griped, "It's Vietnam."

"That happens to be my first choice," Russia pointed out.

"Well too bad!" Alfred stuck out his tongue again, "Because I called her first, so dibs!"

"I happen to think otherwise."

"Whatever; let's just move on," England interjected, waving his hand dismissively, "It hardly matters whether or not you guys chose the same lady; it is the lady's decision after all."

"Then who was _your_ first choice?" France piped up curiously.

"Pff; Seychelles, obviously."

"Haha, that is a good joke, _Angleterre_," Francis purposefully drawled out the final syllable, "Because it is only natural that Seychelles is coming with me, no?"

"Like hell she is!" Arthur retorted, standing up to defend his honor, "I chose her first!"

"What about the choice of the chick?" Alfred, of course, felt the need to chide. England shot a glare before resuming the heated "didnot-didtoo" argument with France.

"What about Luxembourg and Belgium? Didn't you pay a visit to the two of them just yesterday?"

"_Angleterre_, of course you would have no idea, but in my country-the more the merrier; that is why we have ah, well, 'ménage à trois,' you see?"

"Bloody Hell!"

"Actually, England, France has a pretty good point there! I mean, if one chick means that you're not gay, then three means that you're even _less_ gay, right?" As usual, Alfred's logic was impeccable.

"I don't think it works that way, Alfred," Canada said, but was ultimately ignored. His first choice of Belgium also went unnoticed.

"Me and Lovino chose Liechtenstein, but then Switzerland scared us off!" North Italy declared, joyously waving a hand, "So then! We decided that pasta would be the best choice of them all~!"

"What are you talking about you moron?" His older brother exclaimed, "You single-handedly came to that conclusion by yourself!"

"West?" Prussia asked with an overly-leery grin, "What girl did you pick?"

"Well..." Germany hesitated, knowing he was a dead man anyway, "Somewhere between Hungary and Ukraine, I would-"

"Hungary?" Prussia _did not_ actually shriek. Just tried to strangle his brother, that's all.

"Ukraine?" Russia was suddenly brought into the conversation, "I hope you do not have... any intentions on my sister, da?"

"Man!" America cut in, "What is up with you, Germany? Do you have this weird fetish for older women or something?"

"I think that it is very cute," Japan spoke, smiling slowly, "After all..." and then his eyes lit up in classic otaku-style, "It is only with older women that you can actually do xxxxx and xxxxx and then even xxxxx and-"

"Stop that!" China cut in, face red and positively scandalized, "That's just disgusting!

"Speaking of which," Prussia said, "Who did you pick, Japan?"

"Taiwan," Japan replied flatly.

"Ew!" Alfred, of course, "Isn't she like, practically your _sister_ or something?"

"_Daughter_!" Kiku shot back, as if it made it any better. Arthur blanched.

"There is nothing wrong with incestuous relations!" Prussia, of course.

"Oh shut up! You only want to see Switzerland and Liechtenstein go at it!"

"There's absolutely _no truth_ in that statement!"

"I call Vietnam! I call Vietnam! I call Vietnam!"

"Shut it you frog; you already have Luxembourg and Belgium-Seychelles has definitely been my colony longer than your's!"

"I absolutely refuse to give Taiwan over to you, you sex-fiend!"

"No one had better be having any intentions on either of my sisters!"

"The same goes for mine!"

"You don't even _have_ sisters!"

"Kitty-chan! Kitty-chan!" Yao's cellphone emitted the official Hello Kitty theme song. The occupants of the ATAHWDTAANNA meeting room froze in mid-debate, staring as the long-haired Asian answered the phone.

"Who do you think's calling him?" America hissed, failing at the theatrical whisper.

"My money's on the call having something to do with pandas," Prussia replied.

"Yes, aru? This is Wang Yao speaking... Oh? Your meeting's done? That's great!" Yao smiled, and Kiku made a note to track down the caller, if only to determine the purpose of the conversation (and whether or not said caller could be strangled), "Well, I'm not completely done yet, aru, but I'm sure I can skip!" And then he _giggled_.

"Definitely the pandas." South Italy whispered flatly.

"Don't be so sarcastic, Lovino!" said Italy's brother declared, "They're very cute! And good with pasta!"

"I did not just hear that," Germany disclaimed.

"Well-aru!" China declared, hanging up his phone, "I'm going to be going now!"

"Wait, YaoYao!" Russia called, "What about your choice?"

"Russia's right-for once!" Alfred acquiesced, "You're the only one out of the eleven of us that didn't say the female nation which you had as your first choice of girlfriend!"

"Oh, that?" China raised an eyebrow, nonplussed, "I've been making better progress than you guys, aru!" And he actually grinned, before continuing with, "I'm leaving this meeting early so that I can have dinner with Belarus!" And with a wave, he was out the door.

"Uh, what?" Prussia punctuated, "What the fuck?"

"Members of ATAHWDTAANNA, we have our next mission!" Alfred declared proudly, sticking a greatly-smited fist into the air, "We must track down China and Belarus on their first date, to make sure that everything goes well!"

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	3. Yao plays both ways

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**HETEROSEXUALIA**

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notations: Thank you for your reviews! They motivate me to update faster, and plus, I love hearing your opinions (about the crack, of course~). This chapter is bit longer than normal, but that's because you guys were so _nice_ and I was just motivated to write more. Thank you! ;D

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Yao plays both ways

"What do you _mean_ you're going to have dinner with Yao-_ge_?" Taiwan shrieked, refusing to believe. Vietnam had collapsed in giggles in the third row of the shuttle (which was going from the airport to the UN headquarters) and was being _entirely_ unsupportive of Taiwan's "big sister" moment.

"Exactly what I just said," Belarus replied, flashing her eyes and drawing for a knife, "The two of us have arranged to have a meal today in order to discuss the various... happenstances... that have come to our attentions." And then Ukraine gently put a hand on Belrus' shoulder, causing the younger of the two to put back her knife. Grudgingly. "We've arranged to meet at the restaurant called La Fôret, have you heard of it?"

"L-La Fôret?" Luxembourg jumped forth, eyes sparkling in delight, "Do you mean that one in the intersection of the trading centers? That restaurant where even _we_ need reservations to get into?"

"Reservations? Restaurant?" Seychelles' head was spinning at the thought of bills and figures, much less _boys_!

"Yes, that one," Belarus replied. And then she smiled, as if remembering 'pleasant' memories, "Ah-and we hardly needed any beforehand reservation. The waiter was most... _cooperative_."

"Great!" Belgium clapped her hands, smiling genuinely (it was a stark contrast to Belarus), "I'm glad that you have such a wonderful place to eat! I've heard that their salmon is to _die_ for, but then again, the fillet mignon is really good too and..." she opened her mouth, and then closed it, and then opened it again to choke out, "And... and their chocolate soufflés...!"

"There, there, dear," Hungary consoled, "If it all works out, perhaps we, too, shall be able to dine at La Fôret~"

"What do you mean?" Belarus demanded.

"I was wondering about your motives," Hungary replied, smiling, "After all, if the point of our organization is to pair up all of the male nations," and here, her eyes hit that unearthly sheen once more, "Then how would going to dinner be conducive to the point of our organization?"

"I have only eyes for Brother Dearest," Belarus responded.

"More than that," Belgium put out, "Aren't there an odd number of male nations anyway? If Belarus is indeed uh, involved with China, then wouldn't it make it easier to pair up the male nations?"

"That's true," Seychelles agreed, "Although... are we sure there _are_ an odd number of male nations?" And then she set about counting them.

"Well, yes, that does make sense in the beginning," Hungary started, clasping her hands with Belgium, "But you see, darling, there are even more _wonderful_ _things_ than two boys making out!"

"Like?" All eyes whipped around to see _Liechtenstein_ being the one to speak out. She flushed at all the attention, which was quickly rediverted to Hungary, who was unfazed at all.

"Like a _threesome_!" She was practically glowing, "Or a love-triangle!" She sighed blissfully, flushing lightly, and letting go of Belgium, "With... all... male nations! Just think about it~" she dreamily said, "There are just so many possibilities-you could have the Italies and Germany, or the Italies and Spain, or Austria, Prussia and Germany, or even America, England, and _Russia_ and-"

"Japan, China, and England?" Vietnam put forth.

"Yes, absolutely!" Hungary exalted, taking her fellow nation's hand, "There are just _so many_ possibilities!"

Her eyes might have been tearing up.

"Okay, ew." Belgium felt the need to put out. "I mean, some of us prefer _monogamy_ in our romances, right?"

"The vast majority," Luxembourg agreed, although she secretly was thinking about the beauty of a threesome involving France, England, and Canada. "But it hardly matters, because the vast majority will be pairings, and we'll probably have one threesome at most," _And it better be FrancexCanadaxUK_, her traitorous mind felt the need to add.

"Twenty-four!" Seychelles declared.

"Twenty-four what?" Vietnam asked.

"Twenty-four male nations!" The island country replied, "The ones that we're close-enough acquainted with, at least."

"Well then," Taiwan breathed a sigh of relief, "That means that Belarus won't _need_ to go with Yao-_ge_, right?"

"Why are you so dead-set on having no one go with China?" Hungary pondered aloud. "Is it because-?"

"Because Kiku-_nii_ is the only one for Yao-_ge_!" Taiwan readily replied. Luxembourg rolled her eyes, while Liechtenstein silently disagreed.

"But don't you guys see?" Hungary cried out, more sparkles in the air, "If we manage to get one male nation out of the mix - namely, China - then we'll be able to have twenty-three guys, which means that there _must_ be a threesome, if we manage to work everything out properly!" And then her eyes took on a Russia-esque gleam, "And we _will_ be able to work everything out properly."

"I am not - and will never be - romantically involved with China," Belarus said flatly.

"Then will you mind if I come along with you to supervise?" Taiwan jumped immediately at the chance to make sure Yao-_ge_ would not be physically (or, heck, emotionally!) harmed in the course of the dinner arrangement.

"What?" Luxembourg cried out, "Then as an organization, we need to go too!"

"How does that make sense?" Belgium asked. And then Luxembourg mouthed 'chocolate soufflé' and she was appropriately acquiesced.

"Obviously!" Hungary declared, "We have to make sure Belarus is enticing China to, well, pair himself up with various nations!"

"Oh God-if we managed to have China on our side..." Vietnam collapsed in giggles, "We'd probably just have the equivalent of a female nation...!"

"Nonetheless," Liechtenstein put forth, "China _is_ one of the UN Security Council Members and an economic powerhouse; he's certainly more likely to convince the other nations to... follow through with our plans, as opposed to each of us individually attempting to convince the other nations."

"So..." Belgium started, slowly, "What you're suggesting is..."

"For Belarus to bring China over to our side so that he can help us convince his fellow male nations to follow through with our organization plans?" Luxembourg concluded.

"Great! I like that idea!" Hungary, of course.

"And I too," Ukraine said, appropriately cutting off his little sister's response.

"Sweet~!" Seychelles cheered, "A fancy restaurant! And homosexuality!"

"...I'm pretty sure the two do _not_ go together," Vietnam remarked.

"What about the reservations?" Ukraine had the common sense to point out, "I thought that even us nations needed to make beforehand reservations in order to get into La Fôret, no?" And then she sighed, "And what about the dress code? Although we are dressed in a relatively formal manner," she gestured to the assortment of suits and skirts, "It's hardly acceptable for a high-class restaurant, right?"

"Oh, no worries about that, Ukraine~" Hungary replied, taking out a frying pan from apparently nowhere and brandishing it as one might brandish a sword in the seventeenth century, "I come prepared, after all." And then she had the gall to _wink_ at Belarus, who was had moved to sit in the first row of the shuttle in order to easily disembark. Her eyes were glaring of their own account.

Needless to say, the restaurant manager let the nine-lady troop in with minimal complaint.

(+)

"Okay!" Hungary cheerily said, "Here's the battle plan: Belarus goes to meet up with Yao, and Seychelles and Ukraine will crouch in the bushes and nearby tables - Belgium and Luxembourg, you guys look the most French, so you can probably pass off as waitresses! Taiwan and Vietnam, you guys take the table behind our couple of the hour and Liechtenstein and I will sit at the table in front of them."

"I do not look French!" Luxembourg grumped, "I just speak it! Very well!"

"Oh, no worries!" Belgium laughed, patting her fellow 'pseudo-French nation' on the shoulder, "There's chocolate soufflé in the kitchen, which makes _everything_ better!"

And the two of them headed off into the kitchen.

"What about us?" Seychelles asked, "What are we supposed to do behind the bushes?"

"Plot some more~" Hungary suggested, winking, "Write up a list of pairings you'd like to see or something - the possibilities are endless, so long as we pull this off properly, and China doesn't suspect a thing!"

"That sounds like the best idea of the day," Ukraine replies with a smile, taking Seychelles by the hand behind the bush. Liechtenstein and Hungary make eye contact; there's no need for either of them to do that - they've already got their favorite pairings (threesomes, love-triangles, and heck, even _orgies_) written down, burned, and memorized.

Not necessarily in that order.

"Well, let's get off to our respective tables?" Hungary motioned the remaining five nations.

"Of course!" Taiwan cheered, thinking of the delicious and _complimentary_ (courtesy of one absolutely-terrified restaurant manager!) food which they would be feating upon during the meal. And, of course, the idea of ruining one of Yao -_ge _'s dates was pretty appetizing in itself.

"...You're thinking evil thoughts, aren't you?" Vietnam asked, sardonically raising an eyebrow.

"Definitely," Taiwan replied, unabashed.

"Let's get this party started!" Hungary, of course, whispered, as the five of them took their tables and seats. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Luxembourg and Belgium donning the waitress uniforms, as well as Ukraine and Seychelles' ankles and wrists peeking out of the faux-bushes. And of course, fifteen seconds to the hour, China came.

And he was _not_ alone.

(+)

"Okay, guys!" America had loudly proclaimed in the limousine just ten minutes prior, "Me and Prussia have devised an entirely awesome - and original - strategy in order to-"

"Impress the most amount of chicks while retaining our cool and awesome characteristics throughout!" Prussia finished, and the two of them high-fived. Germany refused to acknowledge his _blood_ relations to Prussia, and England refused to even think about having raised such a ponce of a son. The two self-stated 'awesome heroes' could care less.

"Well?" South Italy demanded, "What is this plan?"

"Does it involve me eating a lot of pasta?" North Italy, of course, felt the need to ask. Seriously.

"Why do you guys have to come with me to my dinner with Belarus, aru?" China asked, another very legitimate question.

"I think it's because they want to make sure you will not be beating them by too large of a margin," Canada readily supplies, only to be drowned out by his twin's hearty declaration of-

"We're going to back you up, China!" And America claps the Asian nation on the back, "After all, we're not too certain how far you want to go-"

"Or how far I'll _let you go_," Russia put in with a smile, clapping his hand on China's other shoulder.

"Or how far you're actually able to go?" France supplied with a lecherous wink.

"Or how long Belarus will be able to take anyone else's company," England snidely put in, taking the opportunity to elbow France (who was one seat away from, and therefore, out of 'normal' elbowing distance).

"This is all horribly speculative," Germany noted, while flipping through his handy manual of 'How to Entertain a Lady During the First Dinner Date.' Prussia kept grabbing for the book, to no avail, of course (an extra half-a-head helped more often than not, even _inside_ a limo!).

"Contrary to your... absolutely scandalous thoughts, aru," China put out, "I'm not having any designs on tonight! We're just going to La Fôret and eating dinner, and then we'll go home - to our _own_ homes, aru! - and then go to sleep, _by ourselves_." He sighed, "Why must you people act like such children, aru? We're not _dating_ or even _in love_ - it's just a dinner arrangement, aru!"

"There is no such thing as just friends between a man and woman, da?" Russia managed to manifest his pipe out of nowhere.

"And there is no relation between people outside that of _love_," France added with a smile. England growled, batting the 'nation of Love's hand away.

"There's really nothing between us!" China protested.

"Really?" Prussia raised an eyebrow, "Then who do you think is paying for the meal tonight?"

Silence.

Japan - who had yet to say anything for the whole of the plotting time in the limo - wondered, sincerely, if China was actually _interested_ in Russia's little sister. In which case, he would have to buy the funeral bouquets and coffin for the immortal earlier than he would like to think.

"I-I am, aru," China slowly said. "But, but it's just _proper_! I can't possibly ask her to pay, especially because I'm almost three thousand years older!"

"He's absolutely right," England agreed, "You can't possibly have the lady pay in the meal, regardless of the situation!"

"What are you talking about?" America almost-raged, "What about those _years_ of feminist work? What did they all go to, if it wasn't for the sake of ending inequalities like this?"

"I would feel _horrible_ if she paid, aru!" China retorted, face flushing.

"And I would feel horrible, YaoYao, if I had to _stuff your body through my pipe_ because you have attempted to consort with my little sister," Ivan cheerfully said. With a smile.

"Oookay..." Prussia said, "Well now we know which girls are definitely off limits - sucks to be you, West!"

"Hardly," Germany flatly replied, moving his 'How to' book farther away from Prussia's reach still.

"Shouldn't we get back on the topic of the plan?" Canada asked.

"We should get back on track here, because the limo's about to arrive and we haven't even gone into the details of the Plan Number One of The Awesome Troop of Awesome Heroes Who Do Awesome Things And Are Not-Not Awesome!" He raised a fist into the air, only to draw it back when he realized that sitting down in a limo and raising a fist could hardly be categorized as 'awesome'.

England coughed - righteously!

"Anyways," America continued, unfazed, "The really awesome plan is for us to go into the restaurant with Yao, and sit around his table, and try to convince Belarus that we're really awesome and she should tell the other chick nations that we're awesome!"

"...What?" Canada asked, after the stupefied silence, and for once, he was heard.

"You are _not_ doing that, aru!"

"I actually really agree with America's plan; I think that it is very logical, da?"

"No way! In the name of all that is _juste_ and _amorouse_, I cannot allow this plan to take place!"

"Oh shoot - the limo's arrived!" England called out.

"What about a plan?" Germany, of course, who was still leafing through the final pages of the book.

"We're definitely not using America's, aru!"

"It's the only one we're _got_!" Prussia argued. Of course, it was also partially his plan - all the more reason to stick to it!

"Are we going to get to eat pasta?" North Italy whined, "Ve~ Ve~ Germany; I really want to eat some pasta; Hungary told me that this place has one of the best chefs in the country - can't we just try a little bit of the pasta?"

"Oh shut it," South Italy grumbled, "We have a really bad plan to follow through first."

"It's not a really bad plan!" America hissed, even as the eleven of them were walking through the gold-plated doors, "It's an incredibly awesome plan!"

"That might be doomed to fail," Japan dully noted.

"Can you guys _please_ not sit at my table, aru?" China, of couse, was ignored.

And so - the fireworks began.

(+)


	4. Feliciano wins out in the end

(+)

**HETEROSEXUALIA**

(+)

notations: _Suggestions_ are welcome, and will be listened to if they are _polite_ enough. _Demands_ on the other hand, will be received with less maturity. Other than that, enjoy~

(+)

Feliciano wins out in the end

"Plan aborted, plan aborted!" Prussia hissed to the other male nations.

"What's wrong?" America asked, glancing into the dimly-lit restaurant with an air of uncertainty.

"Oh gee, nothing's wrong - in fact, everything might be fan-freakin'-tastic," Prussia replied, darting his gaze back to the restaurant and then continuing in a low (and overly dramatic, England secretly thought) tone, "Except for the fact that Russia's little sister is not alone."

"You mean she has another date, aru?" China looked scandalized.

"Is there a non-nation _male_ sitting next to my sister?" Russia demanded, shoving Canada out of the way unwittingly in his attempt to see into the restaurant.

"No," Germany said flatly, "No males, but I can make out Hungary, Liechtenstein, Taiwan, and Vietnam along with Belarus."

"Taiwan and Vietnam?" Japan perked up at the names, "At the same table?" He shared an incredulous glance with China, who was standing on his toes (and still unable to see past the tall blond's shoulders).

"What are they doing there?" Canada, of course, posed the most logical question.

"Making an alliance against us!" America immediately responded, thrusting a determined fist into the air, "We must not let them stop this Supremely Heroic Plan Number One of ATAHWDATAANNA!"

"For what purpose?" France questioned, "I see nothing in our ridiculous goals that would possibly cause a divergence in plans, _non_?" And then he finally caught a glance at the restaurant and hissed out, "Don't look at once, _messieurs_, but I think I see the lovely Belgium and Luxembourg, poorly disguised as waitresses no less!"

"I see Katya from the bushes," Russia remarked, fury shifting slowly to surprise.

"See?" America triumphantly reiterated, "This is obviously a set up by the girls! They _clearly_ have ulterior motives for being here!"

"Don't _we_ have ulterior motives for being here as well?" England grumpily demanded, "And what's with standing around the door in such a silly manner! We should either go in or get out - no point just standing around here for no particular reason, right?"

"Well, if you'll excuse me, aru," China spoke out, elbowing his way past both Germany and Russia at the head of the 'line', "I have a date to attend to, and it would be _much_ appreciated if you guys would not interfere." And then he practically sauntered past them, suit and all.

"Easy there, man, I know how you feel... just, breath in and breath out..." Prussia councilled, while his brother took the infinitely more efficient (and effective!) route of simply holding the Russian back.

"Natalya and Katya are _both_ there!" Russia protested with a snarl.

There was a bit of scuffle, but not too rowdy; the ten of them were in suits after all. The restaurant manager was still cowering behind his desk (courtesy of Hungary's 'convincation' tactics) and as a result, was never seen nor heard in the thirty seconds it took Germany to usher the ten of them out the restaurant door. In order to 'alter' the 'super-awesome plan' which, _apparently_, was not as awesome as was proclaimed. Loudly.

"Right, right," America acquiesced, "Which means we have to split up into different groups so that everything will work out alright!"

"What is _with_ you and groups?" South Italy grumped.

"I just want to sit at a table and order pasta~!" North Italy, who returned, unnoticed from stealing breadsticks, declared.

"Anyways," America continued, undeterred, "We need three groups, because there are two tables and one group has to be posted outside in case we need a quick getaway!"

"Why would we need a quick getaway?" England felt the need to ask.

"Because that's what they do in all the awesome and heroic movies, _silly_," America responded, not batting an eyelash, and then plowing forth with, "So this is how everything will go down: Me and Japan will take the table with Vietnam and Taiwan, France and England and Canada will take the table with Liechtenstein and Hungary, and the rest of you guys have to play backup."

"Sounds feasible," Japan replied, right as Russia ordained:

"I must be at a table next to Natalya."

"And I just really really really want to eat the really really really _good_ pasta here!" North Italy sobbed.

"What about the awesome me!" Prussia, of course, protested, "I'm the most likely to get a girlfriend out of these chicks! So why am I in the background? I need to be sitting at the table with Eliza - I mean, Hungary and Liechtenstein!" And then he coughed, because Germany had elbowed him, "Because I would be really good at eavesdropping on China and Belarus' conversation, I mean."

"Um... I would be alright with staying outside," Canada confessed.

"I have my eyes set on Seychelles, no need to pair me up with any other _belle femme_," France professed.

"Didn't I tell you, you frog?" England grumbled, "I've already established my constitution in her country! She's more mine than yours so hands off!" And then he coughed, "But because it would be uncouth to continue, I withdraw the right to sit with Hungary and Liechtenstein."

"This is stupid!" South Italy raged, "I want to stay outside as well!"

"Okay, okay!" America declared, putting his hands up in some degree of defeat, "I get that you guys are more or less totally unsatisfied with my current heroic plan of action, so I've changed it a little bit to make everyone happier!"

"Please please please just let me have pasta!" North Italy cried out, "Ludwig, Ludwig~ You won't let them bully me like this, ve~?"

"Jeeze, Italy, you'll get your pasta, okay?" America sighed, rolling his eyes, "Okay! Here's my third plan of action: Italy gets to go with Prussia and Ludwig to Hungary and Liechtenstein's table. Me and Russia and Japan will go to Vietnam and Taiwan, and Canada, Italy Number Two, France, and England, all stand outside in wait of, well, I dunno, trouble? Gunshots?"

"There will be no gunshots," Russia said with an ominous smile.

"Okay, that's _so_ not going to impress the ladies," America interrupted. "Well, okay - the Awesome Team of Awesome Heroes!"

"That is _definitely_ a better name," France decided.

"Anyways!" America valiantly continued, "Let's start the third plan, and remember - China is paying for everything, so eat what you like and eat all that you can!"

"I'm pretty certain-" Japan tried to put in, but was cut off by the stampede of five relatively-hungry nations. He sighed, mentally apologizing to Yao-_nii_, before heading in after the crowd.

"What about me?" Canada asked, after the course of the whirlwind which left only France, England, South Italy, and himself outside.

"Loiter around, I suppose," South Italy put out, sitting on the ground.

"This is going to be a long night," England foreshadowed.

"Or..." France wiggled eyebrows in some mock version of suggestive body language, "We could follow the six of them after they've begun serving the appetizers. And if there are any waitresses, perhaps they, too, would like to dine with us? It would be, after all, on the house then. I am, of course, relatively _faim_-ished after all."

"Oh Dear God, you did _not_ just use that pun," England groaned in agony.

"Surprisingly," South Italy started, "I'm all for that plan. But mainly because I have to make sure potato-bastard keeps his hands to himself."

"You have _such_ a brother-complex, you know?" England felt the need to point out. He was promptly rewarded with a kick to the leg.

(x)

"Evening, _ladies_," Prussia had smirked, before pulling a chair from the opposite table (Yao and Belarus' table, no less!) and sitting opposite of Hungary. "My friends and I just 'forgot' our reservations, but you looked nice enough and I figured, hell, we could probably... _share_ yours." And then he quirked eyebrows.

"Ow!" Prussia hissed, cheek making intimate contact with the silk tablecloth, "What the hell was that for, you crazy violent -"

"Please forgive my older brother," Germany started, "We're just a bit... _hungary_."

"Oh. My. God. West-" Prussia stood up to hug his brother, "Did you... that was... oh my God... your first pick-up line!"

"Th-That was hardly a -" Germany tried to stutter out.

"So cute~" Hungary squealed, camera in-hand. "You guys are _adorable_, you know?" And then she actually smiled at Prussia (and no, his heart did not somersault and backflip only to melt into a puddle of goo two seconds later - it did _not_ do that), motioning for the two of them to sit down. "If you act so sweetly, I'm sure we wouldn't mind sharing a reservation with the two of you, right Liechtenstein?"

"Of course," micronation replied demurely, nibbling on some of the aforementioned breadsticks.

"Ludwig ve~" North Italy sighed, cheeks a bit rounder than before, "La Fôret really has the best breaksticks in the world, ve~"

"Too cute," Liechtenstein agreed, already fantasizing about the possibilities of threesomes, love triangles, and heck, just double-dating and switching off. "Ah... the menus!" The two of them promptly flipped open their gold-embossed menus (amazingly classy, despite have clashed elements, much like the rest of the store), ready to order least expensive items on the menu until Italy pointed out-

"Hey, hey, isn't China paying for all of this, ve~?"

(x)

"Could I take your order, misses and misters?" Belgium twitched. She had known that she would have to go 'undercover' for the sake of the ICFNILC goals, but being a waitress? And for her fellow nations (two of which were doing their best not to crack up, and she had no idea whether it was at their predicament or their terrifying fantasies of the male nations), no less?

"Ah, yes!" Taiwan piped up, "I'll have a glass of Bloody Mary, and the Chef's filet mignon, well-down, if you will." She felt a little guilty about the priciness of her meal, but with Vietnam's next order...

"As for me," Vietnam noted with a smile, "I'll take a bottle of Merlot, the oldest you can have - five glasses, please - and the Beauharnaïs-cut steak, medium slices, rare-cooked, please." She had thought about the latest weapons shipment which dear Yao-_ge_ had 'intercepted', which made the oh, somewhat 'hefty' pricetag of her dinner all the more delicious.

"Okay!" America exclaimed excitedly, "I'll have five hamburgers and an orange slurpee, please!"

"Five hamburgers... orange slurpee..." Belgium repeated. She hadn't known America very well, but he was fitting true to the movie-like stereotypes so far. Distressingly well, actually.

"A-ah," Japan fumbled through the menu, "A plate of foie gras and a bit of pâté will be fine, thank you."

"Alright," Belgium nodded, writing down said orders, "And for you sir?" Russia - now here was a nation she knew less than America, and had actually heard more about. "Excuse me, sir?" Why if only he knew she was on his rank, perhaps _then_ he'd actually - Belgium was shaken out of her train of thought with Russia blinking, then looking at her, and _smiling_.

Shivers ran down her spine as he gave his simple, curt order.

"Just an empty glass, if you will. Or perhaps even an empty jug for water, if you have those?" He cocked his head, almost innocently, "It would be such a _shame_ to ruin such lovely carpets, da?"

Belgium walked away from _that_ table with more speed than necessary (and consequently spent the next twenty minutes searching for said empty jug for water).

(x)

Things were looking pretty good on the inside, France and England continued to report, as South Italy and Canada were busy ranting (well, one ranting and the other patiently listening and nodding and maybe falling asleep) about the injustices of worlds and siblings and people that confused other nations in general (ninety percent of this was America, but _of course_).

"Ah, I see Russia has successfully scared the wipers off of Belgium as well," England remarked, quirking an eyebrow, "You'd think that he'd be a little less protective, what with that one character always hanging around her."

"You mean Lithuania?" South Italy questioned, quirking an eyebrow as well, "But isn't he..."

"Absolutely in love with Poland? Yes," France sighed, fluttering eyelashes and hands, "But you know, there are so many beautiful things in this world, it's so hard to simply pick one and stick with it." And then he laughed, winking at England, "But of course, _Angleterre_ knows what I mean, _oui_?"

"Your gratuitous injection of French is disgusting frog," was the loving reply.

"Oh! How I am constantly wounded!"

"But..." Canada spoke out, "If Lithuania _were_ constantly chasing after Belarus for her affections, that would... well, that would explain a lot of why Russia is so violent to him in particular, right?"

There was a pause in the witty banter, as the three others sat back to think about the logic behind such a situation. And it dawned on them, slowly, but surely. The reactions were varied; albeit loud and violent in their consensual and utter disgust.

"You mean-" England began, face flushed and unwilling to comprehend.

"That Russia is so overprotective of his sisters because-" South Italy attempted to continue, but found his face too similar to those tomatoes he adored to continue talking.

"He's actually-" France finished, but didn't actually finish, because the implications were a bit too grave, even for a casual - not to mention, practical - joke about Russia. And Belarus and Ukraine and Lithuania.

"Still," Canada put forth, completely forgetting that this was one of the few times he _wasn't_ being ignored, "It would... make a lot of sense, wouldn't it?"

"I'm going to pretend I never heard that," South Italy resolved. France and England added their agreements, and the entire matter was dropped. Canada sighed; there went _his_ fifteen minutes of limelight. Or just spotlight, really.

"I'm really hungry," England complained, and France rolled his eyes.

"We must be the 'back-up' people, as America put it, in case there is something that just happens to go wrong; I refuse to let my fellow nations down simply because of your terrible appetite!" And then he put on a brave face for about ten seconds, until his stomach rumbled - in unison - with England's. "Ah, well, _la vie m'appelle_," he shrugged, and only Canada understood.

"Speak English, you frog," England grumbled, as the four of them made their way into the restaurant.

(x)

Meanwhile, inside the actual restaurant, all of the main orders had been served out. Belgium and Luxembourg had hastily given the four newcomers a cartful of bread, for the purposes of being able to reconvene with the female nations, Seychelles and Ukraine in this case, that were hiding behind the bushes right next to Yao and Belarus' table.

"Oh My God," Luxembourg exclaimed, wringing her hands in a motion too forceful and practiced to be truthfully cathartic. "If I so much as _touch_ another fish head or carve up another rib of pork, I think I am seriously going to throw up!"

"I agree!" Belgium hissed back, as Seychelles desperately motioned for the two of them to lower their voices; the bushes were not particularly good covers after all, "And you didn't even have the worst customers! I mean, I had to serve _America_ and _Russia_! Japan was perfectly alright, particularly compared to those two - America wanted FIVE hamburgers and Russia wanted an empty water jug!"

"An empty water jug?" Ukraine echoed, confused, "What for?"

"For the bloodstains," Belgium replied flatly.

"Ah, that makes sense," the older sister nodded in understanding, "He's always been very thoughtful, you know?"

"Oookay, I'm going to pretend I never heard that," Seychelles put in. Belgium and Luxembourg nodded in agreement, while all Ukraine could do was cock her head in confusion. "Anyways," Seychelles continued, "We've been back here, and it seems as if China and Belarus' dinner plans are going well!"

"How could you tell?" Belgium questioned.

"We couldn't," Ukraine cheerily responded, "However, because Natalya has yet to kill him, I'm sure they're actually having a wonderful time."

"...Of course," Belgium affirmed, voice a bit, "Well, you know what, I think I hear a call from Table Fifteen - lemme go check it out!"

"Oh!" Luxembourg straightened up, "And I heard a bell from the chef; he must be asking for more roasted sirloins!"

The two of them promptly left the bushes in a flurry.

"Wow," Seychelles remarked, raising an eyebrow, "Don't you think they're taking their jobs a little bit too seriously?"

"I don't mind," Ukraine replied, "After all, they managed to give us so many delicious dishes, and all for free!" She took a hearty stab at the fillet mignon (roasted to perfection, or so the sous-chef had claimed) and drank a bit of the red wine. It was from 1978. "Mmm... delicious..." she murmured, as a bit of the sauce (or was it blood?) dribbled down her chin.

"...That _seriously_ shouldn't look as tasty as you're making it out to be..." Seychelles muttered, chomping down on some of the ravioli.

(x)

"The reason why I called you here," Belarus began, after they had finished their appetizers and bread and had had their main courses served, "Is because I am wishing to strike up an agreement with you about the current situation of the nations."

"And by the current situation, aru, you happen to mean?"

"Surely you have noticed the strong percentage of diners at this restaurant that happen to be our type, no?" China choked on a vegetable, before nodding a hasty affirmative. "As you may have suspected, all these people gathered are not gathered by chance - your side, of males, wants something - my side, of females, wants something as well."

"Ah," China replied, downing half his glass of water, "And would these goals happen to be the same?"

"I think not," Belarus flatly responded, "After all, Hungary and Liechtenstein have decided that it would be imperative to... matchmake all of the male nations."

China choked on his meat this time.

"Wh-what?" Two refills and three long-and-loud coughing sessions later, "The female nations want to... want to pair us up with one another?" And then, as the facts began to arrange themselves, he hastily glanced through the restaurant. Germany, North Italy, Prussia, Liechtenstein, and Hungary were lightly chatting, some people with more bruises than others. The two girls hiding behind the bushes had begun to eat, as evidenced by the clacking of their utensils. And then there was America, Russia (who was too close and somehow managed to carry his _water pipe_ into the restaurant) and Japan and also-

"You don't mean to say..." China started, unwilling to believe, "That Taiwan and Vietnam are involved in this as well, aru?" A firm affirmative nod was all that was needed for all the color to drain from his face.

"What is the agreement?"

"You wish for your sisters to stay out of the whole ordeal, and wish the same of my brother," Belarus replied, "Therefore... because we are on opposite sides, and on the sides of our particular... partner's sibling... we could... _cooperate_, no?"

"Ab-Absolutely," China readily agreed, "I'll keep Russia out of trying to get a girlfriend, and you'll keep Taiwan and Vietnam away from trying to pair me up with other guys. That sounds like a wonderful plan, Belarus."

"There is a catch, however..." Belarus looked away, in the direction of Hungary and Liechtenstein, who waved supportively. Then she leaned in closer to China, whispering, "They... have expected me to convince you to join our cause."

"Join...?" And then the second role he was supposed to play dawned upon China. "Of course," He readily supplied, shrugging and grinning and thinking of all the good blackmail he was sure to get out of this endeavor (not to mention the endless jokes and entertainment).

And that was when a pipe - filled to the brim with onigiri - came flying at superhuman speeds towards China's face.

"Ah," Belarus noted, before snatching the whole thing out of the air, and proceeding to take an onigiri from the pipe and _pop it into her mouth_. Like it was everyday business or something equally terrifying. And then she continued with, "Worry not, I have relatively good reflexes." China was thoroughly scared because was that a _blush_ upon her face? (And if so - how the hell did the people Russia tried to 'court' ever actually survive Belarus?)

A beat, and then (it was only to be expected, really) -

"FOOD FIGHT!" America - of course - declared, before grabbing a handful of his french fries and flinging them into the air.

"**Enough**!" The tired-of-cowering restaurant manager bellowed, causing the remaining twenty occupants of his restaurant (it was amazing how fast people could clear out in the face of pipe-throwing Russians, China mused) to freeze. "I have had _enough_ of your antics and schmantics!" He screeched with a terribly authentic French accent, "It is two minutes until closing time, and if you guys are not _out_ by nine, you all will be the specials for tomorrow!"

Many things happened simultaneously after the second the restaurant manager had declared his intention to serve the twenty-odd nations as _meals_ the next day. America scrambled to snarf down two more hamburgers (inhale them, really), Belarus regrouped with Hungary and Liechtenstein, who gave the signal to the other female nations to clear the hell out. Prussia and Germany forcibly dragged North Italy out the door and away from the pasta, while England and France _and_ Canada were required to keep Russia from stranging China.

"Some getaway drivers!" America complained as the eleven of them piled into some insanely-long car or another, "You guys not only didn't save us, but you didn't even have a vehicle prepared!"

"Shut up Alfred," England said gratuitously, smacking said nation with his fifth and final hamburger.

(x)


End file.
